Poverty LITERALLY Reaches an All-Time High in Tallahassee

“Do Something.” Since being named Florida State’s head football coach on December 5, 2017, Willie Taggart’s motto was “Do Something.” Exactly what he wants his team to do still remains a mystery for Kabob fans and college football fans nationwide.


After Taggart’s first season in Tallahassee, the Seminoles (or as I like to call them “the Kabobs”) finished with a 5-7 record (3-5 conference record), which snapped 36 years of consecutive bowl game appearances. Not only did the 2018 season mark the end of the record for consecutive bowl game appearances, but it also exhibited a downright pathetic showing on the offensive side of the football.


Even with Deondre Francois – a former highly-touted four star recruit and a once dark horse candidate for the Heisman trophy – behind center, the Kabobs finished the 2018 season ranked 102th in total offensive production (just two spots ahead of the Miami Hurricanes at 104th) and seven losses with a combined scoring differential of 169 points (Nice!). Moreover, of the five wins they managed to manufacture, two were against a subpar Louisville team and a mediocre Boston College. Not to mention they only beat Samford (an FCS program) by 10 points at home.

Enter Kendal Briles as the new offensive coordinator. The introduction of the younger Briles as the new offensive coordinator appears to have the poverty-stricken faithful in Tallahassee hopeful that their Kabobs might actually do something on the gridiron in 2019.


In his four seasons as an offensive coordinator, Briles has led some of the top offenses in FBS. Under his father in 2015, Baylor’s offense ranked second in overall offense, first in points per game, first in yards per game and second in yards per play. After leaving Baylor for Boca Raton, Briles coached the FAU Owls to a sixth ranked offense. A year later, he had Houston’s offense ranked 11th in the country.


Based on these stats, it is hard to argue that Briles is not at least competent as an offensive coordinator. However, much of his success can be attributed to a combination of a talented roster and assistance from offensive-minded head coaches. His offenses that were ranked in the top 10 nationally were with talented teams led by offensive gurus like Lane Kiffin (a.k.a. “Joey Freshwater” to the lovely divorcees of South Florida), Major Applewhite and his father, Art Briles. Without talent and a solid head coach at the helm, Briles’ offensive production dropped significantly (i.e., Baylor in 2016).


Now in Tallahassee, where “lethal simplicity” has recently translated to “no playbook,” and no serviceable depth behind Gumby (a.k.a. James Blackman) under center, the chances for Briles to “do something” with this offense in 2019 seems bleaker every day. As the Kabobs continue to spiral further down into the depths of college football irrelevance, Briles has but one option remaining: “Panhandling for the Noles.”


For those who need a refresher on the English language, Merriam-Webster defines “panhandle” as: “to stop people on the street and ask for food or money.” We have all seen those poor, disheveled souls standing on the corner holding cardboard signs and asking for spare change. Well, if you happen to be driving through Pensacola this summer, look out for Coach Briles. Maybe he will be able to find the answer to Taggart’s woes while waving at cars on an I-10 exit ramp in lower Alabama. Regardless, it looks like poverty has reached a new low in Tallahassee. “Anything helps. God Bless.”


Also, Tathan Martell sucks.

Written by: Joe Regalado. You can follow Joe on Twitter at @JosephARegalado.

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