MISSING: Tate Martell

University of Miami quarterback Tate Martell was reported missing earlier this morning by head coach Manny Diaz. “Can’t find my quarterback anywhere, what’s ‘The New Miami’ without my lil Tater Tot?” Manny exclaimed, panic coursing over his face. “It’s no wonder THE Ohio State University didn’t want him no more. We don’t have the facilities here in Miami to keep up with these kids!”


While University officials felt bullish about their 80 yard IPF keeping Tate and his school friends entertained, they declined further comment on whether they’d fundraise for a proposed kindergarten playground inside the complex. “Fucking Clemson puts in a slide, and now every goddamn player thinks we need swings and seesaws! Fact the matter is, we get about 40 fans that show up to our home games, and we rent out those games from an NFL stadium. Who do y’all think we are, the Harvard of the South!?” Manny Diaz reportedly said.

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“Look, can we stop with the jokes for just a sec? There’s a missing child that no one can find! We barely spotted him exiting the transfer portal, let alone we couldn’t find Tate the other day playing basketball with all his lil friends.”


“Tate Tate’s too slow, and thinks he’s better than everyone else. He’s just a meanie,” said 9 year old Jimmy Jones, who reportedly skipped over Tate Martell in the schoolyard pick before the latest game of dodgeball. Jimmy Jones was later offered a Division 1 Scholarship to play RB at #TNM by Manny Diaz, according to the Miami Harold.


“Poverty stricken Miami sinks to new lows, still can’t find Tate Martell” read the latest headline from the renowned Newspaper.


“I’m gonna find Tate, no matter what,” mumbled Kev to himself, knowing full well failure would mean non-stop trolling from Silk and TJ on his timeline for the rest of his days. “Shit’s trash, Tate’s a quality starter, bro. The new Miami’s here, an I got these fools clowning us with midget jokes.”


Kev is reportedly on his way to the Transfer Portal at this time, off on his final adventure.


Written by Ed Kennedy. You can follow Ed on Twitter at @EdKennedyV.

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