On December 27 in the year of our Lord 2018, we were all treated to a college football game where a fine balance of smash mouth offense and hard hitting defense was on display.
Unfortunately for Miami fans, the display came from Wisconsin, as the Badgers beat down Miami on both sides of the ball, leading to a decisive 35-3 victory in the Pinstripe Bowl.
Three days later, Mark Richt retired and later that day, Manny Diaz was brought in as the head coach shortly after agreeing to the same position at Temple.
Miami fans were ecstatic to find out that the man who was fired by Dan Mullen, and whose defense gave up the most single game yards in Texas football history was finally going to come in and fix a program stuck in 1992.
On January 7th, after the season officially ended, Miami footballs official Twitter account tweeted out a very simple message, just a two word hashtag:
— Canes Football (@CanesFootball) January 8, 2019
So it began.
Suddenly every Florida fan on Twitter had their timeline flooded with historical charts and Sean Taylor highlight films. On top of that, we were shamed by the Miami fanbase for not being as rich as literally every person in Miami. Pictures of houses and cars were posted, oddly enough there was never anything in the pictures to show that Miami fans actually own these things, but I'll chalk that up to privacy reasons.
Then, right before the spring started, with Manny as their football God, the NCAA delivered them their football Jesus.
we aren’t ready yet.. but we will be!
oh btw... I’M ELIGIBLE TO PLAY! pic.twitter.com/jSr9wmwiqi
— TATE MARTELL (@TheTateMartell) March 19, 2019
Tate Martell, previously known as a stand-in for Elijah Woods in "The Lord of the Rings"had applied for a waiver to transfer to Miami from Ohio State. Sources say that the NCAA sympathized with Tathan's fear of competition, and felt that since he wasn't transferring for trivial reasons..like sick family members.. they saw no reason to not approve his waiver to be eligible immediately.
The hype was immediate. Unkle Silk was immediately awoken from a kush induced coma to his phone being blown up by Miami fans saying that Tathan was going to, "Throw all over that defense."
Kev immediately started calling people out and saying things like, "That shit is food" and, "We're stomping that shit on 8/24."
Berg was MIA during all of this, he had to make profiles for Willie's newest commits, and everyone knows spring is flower season.
But then, a nightmare situation occurred.
Tathan had to throw the ball. His passes were wounded ducks galore at Miami's fourth, fifth, sixth and seventh spring practices.
The Miami spin machine went into full effect. He was "rusty" and "needed to learn the offense". Recently Miami held their first practice of fall camp, and Tathan was met with his arch nemesis, a stationary net.
Sources say that the net got the best of Tathan, until Manny came in with a step stool, let him get on the top step, put his hand on his shoulder and said, "You'll get there, little man, just keep working."
After that, it seems that the Miami hype has disappeared faster than a Ray Lewis bloody shirt. Panic has started to set it, as they realize that that shit actually might not be food.
I wrote this piece to be helpful, below I've provided a list of reasons that Miami fans can use on 8/25 when they're trying to explain a 24 point loss. Because if recent history tells us anything when it comes to the Miami program and its fanbase, it's all about the excUse.
1. "It's Manny's first year as a head coach"
2. "He still needs to bring in talent/his players"
3. "Players are still learning the offense"
4. "The defense got tired"
5. "We're really just focused on winning the division"
The Twitter handle is @StanielMullen, but don't @ me, Miami fans.