If Your Favorite Player Was A Drink…

FROM: Anthony Peace

Booze and college football are two of my favorite things in the world.

They go together like peas in a pod and it is essential to combine both to truly experience either. There are few things that can compare to being in any college town any given Saturday during college football season with a cold drink in your hand and expectations of a big win in your mind.

This is what leads to my current quandary… What drink would represent my favorite players and coaches? I have spent a few hours drinking and blowing up a few Gator Group Text with this questions and here are my results…

Florida

Dan Mullen= Gin and Tonic

Place the ice cubes in a tall, narrow, chilled glass (the cubes should come near the top.) Add the gin, then the tonic water, then the lime juice, stirring well. Garnish with lime wedge, and serve immediately.

November 25, 2017 was a sad day. I was driving back from Gainesville after watching two systematically bankrupt programs have an anticlimactic pillow fight in the Swamp. To make matters worse, Chip Kelly had turned us down for a lesser program. As a lifelong Gator fan the day could not get much lower. Reports were surfacing that Willie Taggart was our next choice. A coach with a career losing record… Please God No! I seriously contemplated drowning myself in the queso dip at dinner. Then news broke that Dan Mullen would be returning home. Were these reports exciting? No, however, Dan Mullen was at least a safe choice. I knew he could only improve the Logo after the disastrous reigns of Coach Boom and the Zoophile.

This brings us to Gin and Tonic. Gin is never the first choice of alcohol and it’s definitely not the most fun but it’s safe and consistent just like Mullen. I would argue that Gin combined with Tonic goes beyond these safe stereotypes though. The quinine found in Gin and tonics were responsible of ridding the threat of malaria for millions of people across the globe just like Mullen has rid Florida football of the epidemic disease of the last ten years.

 

Mike White= 4horsemen

Pour 1/4 ounce Jim Beam Bourbon,1/4 ounce Jack Daniels Whiskey, 1/4 ounce Johnnie Walker Scotch, 1/4 ounce Jameson Whiskey into a shot glass and enjoy.

Mike White is a horrible coach and the only way to have any joy watching his abysmal offense putter around on the hardwood is to be as blitzed out of your mind as possible; hence, the intoxicating capabilities of the 4horsemen.

 

Felipe Franks= Old Crow Whiskey and Coke

The whiskey and cola recipe is very easy: squeeze a lemon and strain juice. Fill a tumbler with ice, pour juice, whiskey and fill with cola. Put a straw in it and garnish with a slice of orange. A dash of Cardamom bitter is always welcome.

Old Crow Whiskey by itself is complete and utter shit; yet, when it pairs with the right concoction (Mullen/Coke) it’s quite a pleasant surprise.

 

Todd Grantham= Angry Balls

Angry balls is one part Fireball Whiskey mixed with 1 part Angry Orchard Crisp Apple Cider.

Todd Grantham is an angry man. Todd Grantham’s players love him. The Angry Balls is a perfect mixture of hell (Fire Ball Whiskey) and heaven (Cider and Cinnamon).

 

Kadarius Toney= Liquid Cocaine

Liquid Cocaine is one part 151, one part Rumple Minze and one part Jager. Shake the three ingredients together and pour into a chilled glass.

Liquid Cocaine is simple, potent and so intimidating that it can’t be used often just like Kadarius.

 

C.J. Henderson= Irish Car Bomb

Mix 1 part of Irish Crème Liquor with 1 Part Jameson Whiskey. Combine this with a pint of Guinness and be ready to chug fast.

The Irish Car Bomb is a shot you always try to avoid just like opponents frequently try to throw to the opposite side of the field then Henderson is on; alas, it’s a challenge you always end up trying and instantly regret.

 

Lamical Perine- Bud Heavy

Never bad, rarely great, but always gets the job done.

 

Vonsean Joseph= Hunch Punch

Mix 4 parts clear spirts (Rum, Vodka or Tequilla), 2 parts Hawaiian Punch, 2 parts Sprite, 1 part Orange Juice, 1 part Pineapple Juice and chopped fruits of your liking…. 

If you overlook Vosean he packs quite a punch… Just ask LSU.

 

Marco Wilson- Johnny Walker Blue Label Neat

The perfect corner aged to perfection and nothing but class.

 

Jachai Polite- Diesel 

Polite is just like a shot of Diesel. He hits you hard, fast and you will still hurt the next day.

 

Tommy Townsend- Long Island Ice Tea

You mix ¾ oz. of Gin, ¾ oz. Rum, ¾ oz. Tequila, ¾ oz. Triple Sec, ¾ oz. Vodka, lemon juice, simple syrup and cola. 

Townsend it not someone you want to use regularly; yet, when he’s needed you are always happy with the results.

 

Malik Davis- Pliny the Elder 

Pliny the Elder is delicious, however, it’s constantly out of stock. 

 

Chauncey Gardner-Johnson- Cement Mixer

Mix 1 ½ oz. of chilled Baileys with 1 oz. of Lime Juice. Drink as quickly as possible.

Gardner-Johnson was literally the “glue” that held this UF team together.

 

Five and Seven University

Willie Taggart- Jager

Jager shots always sound like a good idea going in, they always make you dance, and they always leave you with regret.

 

James Blackmon- Michelob Ultra

Skinny can for a skinny dude.

 

Miami

Tathan Martell- Pink Pussy

You pour 1 oz. of Butterscotch Snaps and add 1 oz. of Strawberry Liquor.

Tathan has ran from competition every chance he has gotten. Is any explanation really necessary?

You can follow Anthony on Twitter @apeace2002.

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