BREAKING: Kev Exits Portal, Finds Tate in Time Out

Kev exited the transfer portal earlier this morning after months of searching for Tate Martell, according to the Miami Harold. While Kev last heard that Tate Martell had gone missing, he was surprised to learn that Tate Martell was in timeout for misbehaving in school.

 

 

“It’s not fair! It’s not fair!” Tater Tot reportedly screamed at the top of his lungs, tears rolling down his cheeks as he stared at an empty trophy case in Miami’s Schwart’z Center.

 

 

When asked why man-child Tate Martell was in time out, QB coach Dan Enos said, “You’ve gotta play by the rules at Miami. We can’t have spoiled brats like Tate here ruining recess for all the other kids on the team. We’ve got a history of high moral etiquette to uphold, and when this punk is screwing around tackling other teammates on the playground… well, we just can’t have that, now can we?”

 

 

The incident occurred immediately after Tate Martell was not selected as the team captain in the schoolyard pick this past Monday. According to sources, the child immediately ran back to his backpack locker and started smearing finger paints all over the place.

 

 

“I hate it here, Mr. Diaz is a meanie-face!” Tate sniffled, tears still streaming. Dan Enos picked-up Tate Martell, kicking-and-screaming, and took him to his bedroom for his nap.

 

 

On being prompted as to why Tate Martell was not selected as the team captain for their game of hide-and-seek, Coach Diaz said, “Leadership is earned, not gifted. Tater Tot moved his ass here from Ohio after failing to learn that the first time. THE Ohio State University maintained their integrity when bringing-in another classmate who would possibly challenge Tate for that leadership role. Instead of sticking around, he transferred here. Does that mean I have to pick him to lead his other classmates during recess? Hell no! He’s gotta earn that right, and he’s in the process of learning it. He just hasn’t gotten it through his potato brain yet. Miami will be just fine with Jarren Williams as team captain.”

 

 

While prepping for the grand opening of 40 Burgers in Orlando, Kev commented, “I knew it would be Williams in the end. Kid demonstrated the most upside this off-season. The U is back, and better than ever! Fuck ‘em 40 Burgers, and Fuck Berg, too!”

 

 

This is a developing story...

 

You can follow Ed on Twitter at @EdKennedyV.

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