BREAKING: Florida Mascot Decommits

Another day, another decommit down in Gainesville. The Big 3 Roll Up officially confirmed Albert the Gator’s intentions after reports surfaced that Head Coach Dan Mullen refused to relocate Albert to a new dorm room.


“Man, fuck them kids!” Coach Mullen exclaimed while powdering his beat-red face with white powder. When asked how losing their mascot would impact future recruiting efforts, goofy Dan indicated that, “The brand is still strong in Gainesville, we ain’t hiding from nobody. Kids still wanna play for the logo.”


When prompted to explain how kids would want to play for a logo that’s decommitted from the University, he just sighed and shrugged, placed a red foam ball on his powdered nose, and slapped on his latest Jordan brand clown shoes. “Beats me! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some kid’s birthday party to attend.”


Dan made his way to his University issued clown car, somehow squeezed his way in, and hollered, “Got myself some relationship ribs cookin! Five-n-Seven exact, bitches!” Laying on the clown horn, Dan zipped by a crew of University employees removing the bull gator statue from its perch.


Reports are now surfacing that Dan drove his blue-and-orange polka dot clown show to the nearest airport, flew his ass to California, and is now begging Steele to reconsider entering the transfer portal.


This is a developing story.


Written by: Ed Kennedy - You can follow Ed on Twitter at @EdKennedyV.

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