Big Thrones Roll Up

We took some time to compare the Big 3 teams, players, and coaches to the houses and characters in Game of Thrones. Let us know how we did! *Spoiler Alert*

Gators= House Lannister

The House of Lannister is literally built on a mountain of gold; hence, its similarities to University of Florida which boasts one of the most profitable athletic programs in the nation. Meanwhile, our opponents in the Big3 baste in poverty, with their half empty stadiums and need of government subsidy. Alas, the Gator program isn’t always on top and is occasionally toppled by its foes, but what is dead may never die. Gators always repay their debts and retake to their rightful position on top of the state, like a golden lion of a program surrounded by peasants.    

 

Tyrion Lannister= Dan Mullen

Tyrion is a strategic genius, a merciless shit talker, and a complete badass who is often overlooked because he is a dwarf.  This is very similar to Dan Mullen, who has proven to be a football savant over his coaching career and quite an accomplished master of the quip. Yet, his Cousin Eddie demeanor has often overshadowed his mastery of the game.

Tywin Lannister= Steve Spurrier

Tywin is a ruthless tyrant who laid the foundation for the most powerful house in Westeros before meeting his unflattering demise. Coach Spurrier built Florida football from the ground up while verbally abusing his adversaries, and it would only be fitting for College Football’s greatest shit talker to die on the shitter.

 

Gregor Clegane= Ethan White

The Mountain is massive and can crush men to death with his bare hands. Ethan White is also freakishly big and I can’t wait to see how he crushes opposing defenders.

 

Joffrey Baratheon= Jim McElwain

Joffrey might be the most hated character in Games of Throne lore. He is a colossal douchebag that starts the show as a typical whiny 80s movie villain and morphs into something much more evil and sinister. He’s so bad that the Tyrells decided that committing regicide was better than letting Margaery marry him. The parallels to Coach Mac are uncanny. Both are incredibly sulky and Joffery’s blonde hair goes swimmingly with Coach Mac’s yellow teeth. The hatred for both is unmistakable by their respective kingdoms and their complete utter ineptitude for leadership marks both of their demise.   

 

Tommen Baratheon= Ron Zook

Tommen is the kindly kid brother of Joffrey and is by all accounts an awesome person; however, he is too nice to rule a place like Westeros. Seemingly, overwhelmed from the start, Tommen allowed his advisors way too much control before jumping to his death. His rule was short, yet fruitful. The Zooker by all accounts was a great person that was given keys to a car he had no business driving and although his time in Gainesville was short he did leave the Gators in a great position.

 

Jaime Lannister= Feleipe Franks

Jaime is the notorious “Kingslayer,” a title he earned by betraying his oath and killing the Mad King. Jaime is an excellent fighter, who transitioned from a hated to beloved character as the show progressed. Feleipe Franks also began his career, by helping eliminate a mad tyrant. Franks, like Jaime, is often misunderstood and seems to be prepared to shush all of his critics in Gator nation this year.    

 

Podrick Payne= Kadarius Toney

Pod is small and diminutive, yet packs quite a punch. You could say he’s a freak in the sheets and a killer in the streets. While I don’t know how Kadarius’s game off the field is, he is a straight killer on it, despite his small stature.

 

Qyburn= Coach Savage

Qyburn is a former Maester, who specializes in putting people back together; hence, his likeness to Coach Savage, who can fix even the biggest reclamation projects.   

 

Oberyn Martell= Trevon Grimes

Oberyn “The Red Viper” Martell is an amazing warrior that can out maneuver even the strongest of opponents. Trevon Grimes, looks to be pure poison to rivals this year and has moves that Oberyn would be proud of.

 

Bronn= Van Jefferson

Bronn is a skilled and dangerous sellsword whose allegiance is to whomever hires him. Over the course of the show Bronn becomes quite esteemed and he is a ruthless opponent that seems to use his cunning to master even the most difficult situations. Van Jefferson was basically a college free agent last offseason after the Ole Miss debacle, and the Gators cashed in on the prize! Jefferson led the team in receptions last year and is clearly our most shrewd wide-receiver running near perfect routes that even a clever mercenary like Bronn would be proud of.

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Seminoles = House Tyrell

“Growing Strong” are the words of House Tyrell, and so too are the Florida State Seminoles. A proud and powerful house, the Tyrell’s maintain a status of wealth and prosperity amongst the Seven Kingdoms that rivals that of the Lannisters. The Seminoles have orchestrated successes in the state of Florida that have solidified their position as a national contender in college football nearly every season. Historically, the Seminoles have been at odds with their bitter rivals in Gainesville, whose wealth is the only in-state to surpass that of FSU. In recent history, much like the Lannisters and Tyrells in Game of Thrones, the Seminoles have found themselves in the superior position. But the wheel keeps spinning, and only recently have the Gators and Lannisters found themselves right back on top.

 

Willie Taggart = Theon Greyjoy

Much like Theon Greyjoy, Willie Taggart had everything going to him. Heralded as the savior of FSU’s program, Willie was welcomed to Tallahassee with open arms. Similarly, Theon was loved by his Stark captors, and treated as well as any of Eddard Stark’s kids. That all changed when each wanted to identify to their upbringing. Lethal Simplicity is basically the Greyjoy montra. Sounds great in theory, until your dick gets chopped-off! Now, castrated and humiliated, Willie Taggart, along with the FSU football program, is on a redemption story arc to win-back the love of the fanbase and glory of the program he holds so dear. Will he survive?

 

Jimbo Fisher = Ramsay Bolton

If Willie Taggart is dickless Theon, then Jimbo Fisher is the ruthless Ramsay Bolton. Unorthodox, crazy, brutal, it’s debatable that Willie got his dick chopped-off thanks to Jimbo’s games. As a military tactician, Ramsay was brilliant. However, his gameplay in the world of Westeros cost him stable allies when instead he could of inspired trust. This cost Ramsay his life, and similarly, Jimbo’s career in Tallahassee. Yet, there is no denying that Jimbo Fisher’s program showcased a brutality that once struck fear across the College Football landscape.

 

Bobby Bowden = Eddard (Ned) Stark

The stable foundation of house Stark served as the introduction to the greatest show to ever hit television. Similarly, there’s no denying that Bobby Bowden IS Florida State football. While both are now bookmarked in history, their legacies still retain ripple effects that have dramatic implications upon those who followed them.

 

James Blackman = Margaery Tyrell

Don’t let their narrow frames fool you, both James Blackman and Margaery Tyrell offer excellent skills that rest beneath the surface. Margaery is brilliant, once out-whiting the likes of Cersei Lannister in the politics of Game of Thrones. James Blackman, too, demonstrates a skill set required to run a high-scoring offense. Most importantly, both are inspired leaders that command the love of the masses, as well as those who claim fealty to them.

 

Cam Akers = Petyr Baelish (Littlefinger)

Petyr Baelish is unpredictable, plays by his own rules, and can dramatically shape the course of history with the slightest slip of tongue. Cam Akers, similarly, can prove wild and unsuspecting. That is, until the slightest opening makes itself apparent. Cam Akers, when provided opportunity, will strike with lethal force and shape the outcome of FSU football.

 

Marvin Wilson = Khal Drogo

A monster on the field, Khal Drogo strikes fear in the hearts of even the mightiest warriors. Marvin Wilson, when unleashed, demonstrates identical qualities.

 

Tamorrion Terry = Sandor Clegane (The Hound)

Scary Terry and The Hound. Both brutally effective at what they do: killing. Sandor has yet to leave his final mark in the war to come, but there is no doubt he will play a role in what is to come. Tamorrion Terry will, similarly, play a role in the future of the FSU football program.

 

Jaiden Woodbey = Brienne of Tarth

Brienne of Tarth felled the Hound in combat, and proved a worthy warrior among the best in the land. Jaiden Woodbey demonstrates identical qualities, proving a formidable foe to many as well as a noble leader to those who call themselves his ally.

 

Odell Haggins = Jorah Mormont

Unquestionably loyal to Daenerys, Jorah Mormont has been a fan favorite since season one. Similarly, Odell Haggins has repeatedly displayed loyalty to FSU and is, in fact, a symbolic representation of the football program in Tallahassee. The loss of either would prove a sad day to respective fanbases.

 

Kendal Briles = Arya Stark

Cold as ice, efficient, deadly. Kendal Briles is best compared to Arya Stark. Nobody knows the horrors of war and danced with death quite like Arya, and it’s molded her into a terrifying weapon. Precision is key to Arya’s character, and knowing her enemy is tantamount to her successes. Kendal Briles, similarly, has demonstrated a dynamic flow and elegance in his offensive mind that highlights game changing efficiency on the football field.

Miami Hurricanes = House Martell

The University of Miami is House Martell. Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken. If House Martell didn’t bend the knee to Aegon The Conqueror, The U isn’t bending the knee to shit. Both houses are the chip on the shoulder kings of the south. While neighboring houses like Florida and Florida state tout their wealth and contemporary success, much like House Tyrell, only one has 5 rings and only one tells Valyrian invaders to kick the ye ol rocks. The U doesn’t conform nor get pressured by the other college football powers, especially not trolls that come with that same weak takes since The OB closed. It’s all the same bull shit, and isn’t going to change the facts that made House Martell and the Miami.

 

Jeff Thomas = Varys

Jeff Thomas is the Varys of the University of Miami. Varys isn’t Westerosi, he’s from Esos, and yet he cares more for his adopted land than his natural born land. Same that goes for JT4. He hails from The Land of Lincoln and yet he gave double middle fingers to Lovie Smith and the Illini just like Varys did to Westeros while loading Tyrion onto a ship. Let’s be real, you need him and players like him on your team if you want the throne. Is his loyalty questionable? I suppose. Would you want him on your squad? You’d be lying if you say no. Jeff Thomas, Luke Varys, makes it happen.

 

Michael Pinckney = Tormund Giantsbane

Michael Pinckney is the Tormund Giantsbane. An absolute wild man from the North. Jacksonville isn’t exactly Hardhome, but for my girlfriend’s Cuban family it may as well be. With Pink and Tormund, you literally never know what is going to come out of his mouth. When you’re leading the Free Folk, that’s not a problem. But when you’re a “student athlete” at a program that the NCAA watches closer than Brand watching his family bang, it may create an issue. Big beast, big beard, big trouble. I love them both and I very much hope they both can lead their forces to victory in their final battle.

 

Butch Davis = Tywin Lannister

Butch Davis is the Tywin Lannister of the History and Lore of the University of Miami. Are his tactics somewhat questionable? Maybe. Are they effective? Extremely. Some leaders sack cities when they know all is lost, and some leaders sign Santana Moss to a track scholarship and get an All American and Big East Player of the Year. Tywin Lannister spent his later years big balling with literally zero in the bank, well, all of it came from the Iron Bank. Butch Davis came into the University of Miami with sanctions and ZERO money available for facilities upgrades, scholarships, nor paying players. Bag men?! Miami couldn’t even afford ziplock back then because of poor leadership at the top. When the day Tywin took his last shit, The Crown was in deeper to Iron Bank of Braavos than Vince Wilfork in FSU’s backfield. Just like Tywin saving the day at Blackwater, Butch soared in the same way when Paradise was Lost to remind everyone who wears the crown. They both left their thrones too soon and sent their houses into spirals soon after their departures, but in their hay day no one was more feared by their men and enemies.

 

Donna Shalala = Cersei

Donna Shalala is the Cersei of the University of Miami. Bruh, chill I’m not trying to see that Gremlin do The Walk of Atonement. But please allow me to say: “fuck you”. Willing to do anything for her, or Hillary Clinton’s, self interest. Never saw a dollar that she didn’t want for herself, no matter if it was on the backs of lying, cheating, or “free education”. Did I feel bad for you in the darkest time? Fuck no, you suck. I’ll never forget the image of Donna $halala looking at the Nevin Shapiro check in the bowling alley. Looked just like when Cersei saw Marcella’s ship enter the harbor. Unfortunately, for my Canes fam, a swift death came soon thereafter. Death for Miami was mediocrity, no thanks to losers like Mark May that petitioning for the death penalty, but death for Cersei was literally prophecy. I guess I can thank Stuart Miller for ending her reign, like Arya *PREDICTION*.

 

Nevin Shapiro = Petyr “Littlefinger” Baelish

Nevin Shapiro is the Little Finger Coral Gables. Does the SEC monitor this? Another “fuck you” has been sent out. They both think they’re soooooooo cute. Stupid little faces. I hate you both, and I hope you’re both doing great! Both of these losers always thought they were better than they were and used their inferiority complex to push their ways to the top no matter who and what is left in their wake. For the low born Petyr Baelish, that meant shooting his shot at Tully girls with Stark boyfriends which left him scarred and with eyes on bringing down the great houses of Westeros on his way to the top. For he who i won’t name again, that meant stealing the hard earned money by becoming on me of the 305s most notorious scammers. They’re both pipsqueaks with tall aspirations and their environments allowed them to thrive. Baelish was similar in the sense he was the Master of Coin but only serving his self interests and ensuring his superiors were never to look into shady dealings, just like Shalala never looked into anything about Mr. Deep pockets kept sending in these checks. HE SUCKED SO BAD THAT HE COULDN’T EVEN BUY US CONFERENCE CHAMPIONSHIPS. At least he has plenty of orange in his outfit rotation.

 

Kyle Wright = Stannis Baratheon

Kyle Wright is the Stannis Baratheon of the University of Miami. Stannis Baratheon was once known to many as Azhor Azai or “The Prince Who Was Promised” by many as he laid his claim to the Iron Throne after the death of his brother, Robert. The Red Priestess Melissandre connected the prophecy with Stannis through a vision in the flames of Stannis meeting The Night King in battle to end The Long Knight and be the protector of the living. The white 5th grader from Central Park Elementary, me, connected a prophecy with Kyle Wright being the consensus #1 QB in 2003 and 5 Star coming out of California that aced the sniff test. We were both wrong. Stannis had blood magic, the largest fleet in the War of Five Kings, the most military knowledge and prowess in Westeros, Renley’s Army, and eventual Iron Bank Backing. Kyle Wright lost his first start to FSU in Tally but salvaged the season with wins at Clemson and at Virginia Tech when both were highly rated. Kind of like the Renly battle. Then he met LSU in the Peach bowl and got Blackwater’d. The next two years were plagued by a 7-6 and 5-6 record coupled with a QB competition with Kirby Freeman. Despite beating FSU in his final season, that couldn’t save the sinking ship from losing the final game at the Orange Bowl 48-0. Ugh. We can call that his battle against Ramsay Bolton. Wright's final statistics were 5,835 passing yards, 38 touchdowns , 31 interceptions, -99 yards, and 4 rushing touchdowns. Stars ain’t shit.

 

Dr. Julio Frenk = The Three Eyed Raven “Brandon Stark”

Dr. Julio Frenk is Brandon Stark. In the words of Willie Taggart, “DO SOMETHING”. Please, PUH-LEASE. You have allllllll the power. You have it all and you have got nothing for me. You just sit around looking stupid and not helping anybody! You didn’t get the IPF. You didn’t warg into a dragon. You didn’t approve of staff budget increases. You didn’t listen to your mom when you were supposed to stop climbing. Please man. What is your purpose? Please. Please just do something.

Bonus Characters

Josh Newberg = Loras Tyrell (The Knight of Flowers)

 

Flowers. Bangs. Cultured? Josh Newberg has the air of Loras Tyrell about him. They even joined a cult for a very brief time! If you think back on all the character qualities of Loras Tyrell (down to the very roses he brandishes about his armor) you’ll find that there is no greater parallel in all of Game of Thrones as there is between himself and our very own Josh Newberg.

Unkle Silkk = Lady Olenna

 

Don’t be thrown off by us designating a female character for Silkk. Lady Olenna is one of the biggest bad asses (and definitely the best troll) in the entire show. In most of her appearances in the show she is throwing shade and talking shit. She also is brazen and wants credit for her trolls. I could see Silkk sitting in her seat, after pulling off an epic troll, and saying, “Tell rival fans: It was me.”

 

Kev = Melisandre

 

Again, don’t be thrown by us picking a female representation of Kev. Melisandre is one of the most vital and important characters in the show. Her impact at the Battle of Winterfell was one of the deciding factors in the victory. We selected Melisandre for Kev because of her ever changing belief in the true identity of the chosen savior. Her faith rests with Stannis, then Jon Snow, then Daenerys, and now Arya. Much like her, Kev’s faith has gone from Rosier, to Perry, to Jarren, and we’re really not sure who it rests with now.

 

TJ = Jaquen H’ghar

“A man has many faces/teams”

 

Our producer might be one of the easier characters to select for this piece. As episodes in Game of Thrones go on, you learn that Jaquen changes faces almost as much as TJ changes the team he’s supporting. From FSU, to USF, to Bama, to USCe (wtf is that one?)... this producer keeps you guessing.

 

Hope you enjoyed our breakdown.

Anthony Peace wrote the UF part. You can follow Anthony on Twitter here.

Ed Kennedy wrote the FSU part. You can follow Ed on Twitter here.

Anthony Karp wrote the UM part. You can follow Anthony on Twitter here.

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