Berg Joins PETA, Frees Willie

Renowned podcaster and florist, Josh Newberg was recently seen freeing Willie from the FSU Indoor Practice Facility this past weekend, according to sources close to the situation.


“SeaWorld changed everything for me, I got to see the treatment of these beautiful animals in antiquated environments. It’s absolutely sickening.”


Berg was previously seen boarding a flight to Norfolk, VA where PETA headquarters are located, according to the Miami Harold.


According to eyewitness accounts of the incident, Coach Taggart was in the middle of correcting Kendal Briles on how to run his own offense, when Josh Newberg burst onto the field. Josh reportedly sprinted over to Taggart and poured a bucket of salt water all over Coach, screaming, “FREE WILLIE!” Snatching the megaphone from Taggart’s hand, Josh then preached to the entire FSU Football team about adopting a Vegan diet and making eco-friendly choices, while other members of PETA ushered a startled Willie into a cage.


“Willie had experienced nothing but poor conditions since migrating from the wilderness of Oregon into the confines of Florida State. The program can barely run a team out on the field to entertain tourists these days, let alone upgrade their own facilities to 21st Century standards. That shitshow still has an on-campus Circus! A Circus! It’s completely unacceptable,” Josh exclaimed while attempting to pump gas in his Tesla.


While Boosters and other Administrators at Florida State reportedly contacted Willie’s agent Jimmy Sexton from the Moore Center this past weekend about the incident, they later cleared the air on the swirling rumors of Willie’s disappearance from the program. AD Coburn was even quoted as saying, “If Coach were hit by a bus tomorrow, we would not target Coach Meyer, period.”


According to Berg, PETA freed Willie from their dedicated, “release facility,” back to the wild. A tear rolled from his eye as Josh exclaimed, “We did it, Willie. Now you’re free.”


UPDATE: PETA claims Willie was later hit by a wild bus while roaming the wilderness. Since then, FSU has reportedly been in contact with Urban Meyer’s agent for contract negotiations.


-- Ed Kennedy


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